


Until now. Literally.

by enoon



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: But also not, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mentions Suicide Attempt, basically i'm gay, kinda sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-04
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2020-07-31 07:53:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20111695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enoon/pseuds/enoon
Summary: "I pretended it never happened and I didn't tell anyone. Until now. Literally" (c) Basically, I'm gayor the one where Dan is in the process of writing the script for BIG and he gets to the point where he talks about his attempt





	Until now. Literally.

**Author's Note:**

> Ever since Dan's video I was thinking about the way he worded that sentence, and I was wondering when and how he told Phil about his attempt.
> 
> Also, it was supposed to be a time travel au, but the story wouldn't go there, so I had to abandon the idea (for now).
> 
> Enjoy! And let me know what do you think.

_So, one evening I thought 'fuck it' and attempted suicide. I say attempted because just before it was too late I thought... I felt kinda bad for a few days but otherwise I pretended it never happened and I didn't tell anyone. Until now. Literally._

The moment Dan wrote it down he felt tears in his eyes. Because, shit, that was true. Anyone, literally.

Phil was sitting next to him on the couch, lost in his own world. An hour ago, he swore he wouldn’t distract Dan from writing, and so he was true to his word and kept his hands to himself, and didn’t say a word, and didn’t even try to show anything funny he just found on the internet. Dan was grateful, of course, but then again, this silence led him to the darkest place. Which, of course, was the point, but still.

Dan tried to make tears go away, but Phil noticed. He didn’t ask if Dan was okay or what had happened, he just put their laptops away and hugged Dan. The way Phil smelled, the way his hands embraced Dan, the way his head rested on Dan’s chest – all that was so familiar and so relaxing, it was the best medicine, really, and still Dan somehow neglected to tell his best friend about that day back in early 2009 when he tried to put a stop to his own existence. Why was that?

“Phil,” he said, “I need you to look at what I’ve written so far, I need your opinion.”

Was it a good decision, telling him like that? Well, there was only one way to find out. He took his laptop from the floor, scrolled back to the start of the document and gave the laptop to Phil.

“There are still pieces missing, but, well, you know about most of them anyway.”

Phil was used to this role of first reader and editor, so he was leaving comments in the text for Dan to read later. Maybe use another word here, this sentence is probably too long, do you really need to swear that much, blah blah blah. Dan loved his comments. Phil suddenly stopped and looked at Dan, and Dan immediately knew why.

_I pretended it never happened and I didn't tell anyone. Until now. Literally._

“That’s not true, by the way,” Phil said quietly. “You did tell me, but I guess you don’t remember.”

“What?! Was I drunk or something?”

“Extremely,” Phil tried to smile. “Come here,” he said and pulled Dan into another hug. “Were you beating yourself up, I mean, you thought you haven’t told me…”

“Yeah, no, not much, but yes, it kinda contributed to this whole thing.”

They were silent for a minute or two.

“It was in Vegas, your 21-st birthday. I thought you might not remember. After so many cocktails, you know? But I also didn’t think you’d want to talk about it ever again. And how weird it’d be for me to just bring up something like that in a conversation? Sorry, I probably should’ve talked to you…”

“Phil Lester… Are you really apologizing to me for _that_?”

“Um… yeah?”

Dan couldn’t help but laugh. Tears were still there, as was the shock that all this time Phil knew and the gratitude that he hasn’t ever brought it up nor joked about it.

Oh, how lucky Dan was to find someone like Phil. One person, just one person, and he felt accepted, and appreciated, and loved, and valid, and had a courage to exist. One person accepting you, that’ll make a difference. Dan liked the way that sounded and immediately wrote it down.

“Do you, um, want to talk about it?” Phil asked quietly.

“Maybe, yeah, I don’t know.”

“If not now, then any other day, whenever you’re ready, ok?”

Dan kissed him lightly on the forehead. Yes, maybe not right now. Maybe later today, maybe later this week. He thought he was ready to talk, but he wasn’t.

And if he wasn't ready to talk to Phil, he was definitely not ready to talk to the world.

**Author's Note:**

> English is my second language, so I'm really sorry if there is something weird going on in terms of grammar or whatever.


End file.
